The Surprise Stories
by Dark Rabbit
Summary: Pure crack, all of these, because that's what I write when my brain is fried. The pairings are yaoi mostly and Seto's in them mostly, and if you're not permanently scarred, well then I'm not doing it right.
1. Pegakai with a little something extra

Two old people, sitting side-by-side, in super-comfy American-made La-Z-Boy recliners. And they share the paper, one of them going for the business section, while the other always takes the funnies. Outside there's snow, falling in the rapidly darkening streets.

"It's time to walk the dog." Seto looks up only briefly from his paper, and glances significantly toward the other chair.

"Can't you take him tonight?" Pegasus, who never misses the opportunity to snuggle with his husband, comes over and puts both arms around his neck. "I wouldn't ask," he says, "but it's cold, and you know my arthritis has been acting up." He strokes greying dark hair off Seto's forehead. "Be a sweetheart, won't you," leaning in and giving him a kiss, "just this once," with another kiss; he smiles, adding "I'll give you something special when you get back."

Carefully, Seto removes first one, then the other arm from around his neck. "How many times, Pegasus, do I have to tell you not to block my view of the Nasdaq listings?" He does not turn around. "It's your turn," he says, "I'm not trading again."

Pegasus gives a put-upon sigh. He gives another, as he puts on his snow boots, and a couple more as he buttons his coat and grabs the leash by the door.

"This is your fault," he grumbles, while he walks the dog to the corner.

"Whaddya mean my fault?" Jou, who had been about to do his business on the neighbor's lawn, looks up at him with an aggrieved expression. "I been tellin' that guy I ain't a mutt for years, haven't I?"


	2. Bakura Ryou's time with Seto

Bakura Ryou is a modest boy, too modest if you ask Seto's opinion. He's fairly bright really, it only took him two tries to get the cock ring adjusted to the right size, and he seems to know instinctively when to administer the shocks.

He keeps looking back at Seto though. "Am I doing it right?" he asks anxiously, and if all he does is nod in response, then he waits for an answer.

"The point here, Bakura," and he can feel himself growing impatient here, "is to keep going. You're trying to get a reaction, you think this starting and stopping is going to help?"

"I'm very sorry, Kaiba-san," and Bakura bows, just a little bit, as would be fitting toward an upperclassman, at least if they were at school, "I've never done this before." Humbly, "it doesn't come very naturally to me, I'm afraid."

Seto gives a very irritated sigh. "Why did you have to stop now?" He doesn't say 'I was just about to come', but that's what he's thinking.

"It's all right Seto-kun," from his position underneath Bakura on the floor, Mokuba pipes up. The ball-gag muffles his voice a little, but he's perfectly understandable, "I wasn't having very much fun anyway."


	3. The Harry Potter crossover one

In a seductive voice, "would you like a bite of my _wiener_," he says, and Snape, whose thinking right now that he'd rather like to turn Pegasus' _wiener_ into a toad, stares into his plate and mutters "no thank you."

Pegasus slides closer on the bench. "It's extra tasty," and he waves it, dropping bits of chili sauce onto the picnic table. "_Hot_," he murmurs, "and _juicy_..." He slides closer, "and if you bite it just right, it'll _squirt_."

Snape slides further away.

"Are you sure?" Pegasus says.

"Look," Snape, whose got a wiener of his own, jabs it in Pegasus' direction as he talks, unregardful of the tomato slices and sport peppers that fly in all directions, "I'm a Wizard, do you have any idea what that means? I could destroy you with a single thought." His bun falls into pieces as he keeps jabbing, "I could turn that _wiener_ of yours into a dragon that would eat this whole place." It's getting rather slippery now in his fingers, but he keeps jabbing, "will you shut up with your silly childish sexual innuendo," he says, "I'd like to eat my lunch before it gets cold." And, feeling vindicated, he sits back down and takes a bite of the wiener in his hand.

Pegasus laughs. "Certainly," he says, "no hard feelings," and he eats the rest of his in two bites and washes it down with Mr. Pibb.

"How about dessert," he adds, taking something from the side of his plate, "do you want to taste my _banana_?"


	4. Bakura Ryou's time with Siegfried

The corridor is marble, and it's very long, and there are maids the whole way along it, who bow as their Master passes by. And Ryou, who thought he'd seen _rich_ when he visited Duelist Kingdom, decides that this is a whole new category. And "you'll be my secretary," Siegfried tells him, and he doesn't even bother turning around.

"No I won't," Ryou murmurs.

Siegfried must not have heard him. "You'll be my secretary," he says, "my ...how do you say it, my _personal assistant_." His long hair flips as he walks, and Ryou wonders how he gets it so smooth. "You'll keep my calendar," he goes on, "and you'll type letters for me, and if you do well," throwing a perfunctory smile Ryou's way, "I might let you share my milk bath in the evenings."

Ryou doesn't ask why anyone would take a bath in _milk_. "No I won't," he says.

And still Siegfried doesn't hear. "If you do a very good job," he says, "I may let you share my bed," he tosses another smile, "sometimes," he adds, "provided you sleep quietly." He takes a seat behind his big rosewood desk. "Now, secretary, fetch me a glass of goldwasser, and have the gardener cut some roses."

"Excuse me," Ryou says softly, but I'm not your secretary."

Siegfried pounds his desk. "Do it!" he shouts, and Ryou jumps three feet.

And he obeys too, but only just this once. He's sure once his Other Self finds out about this, Siegfried won't be so bossy.


	5. Entity's time with Siegfried

It's a stupid idea, of course, but then all His Host's ideas are stupid, and sometimes He just feels generous enough to indulge them. And after all, it's not a bad thing, not this time; this Siegfried's been acting like he owns the Other Bakura lately, and that's foolish. Because the Entity owns him.

And that's why he's got Siegfried underneath him now, tied tightly, and with most of his clothes ripped (or _cut_) off and thrown to one side. He's a fool, a pretty pink-haired fool, who screams (now that he's started screaming) in German, just as if anyone could understand him. And the only regret He's feeling now, as he sits on this Siegfried, is that He can't make him pay properly for his foolishness.

But this is His Host's idea He's using. Dark Bakura smiles wickedly. He takes hold of Siegfried's bare foot, just like His Other Self wanted Him to, and He brings it up where He can reach it.

And then he starts _tickling_, just like His Host said to do. He uses his _knife _of course, but what of that? Dark Bakura's never been one for following orders.


	6. Party at Siegfried's House

The problem's not the idea, because that's a good one. It's fuckin' awesome, at least Jou thinks it is; and the problem's not getting help, because as soon as he tells Yuugi and Honda about it, they think so too. The problem's not even making it work, because Yami wants in too, and that Puzzle of his has got powers.

Jou doesn't really know what the problem is, not really. He gets everyone together, they're all sitting around on sofas and stuff; and he explains what he wants. And all the time he's explaining, Sieg just sits there nodding (that's because of what Yami did). And then they all get started.

And things get pretty hot in there after that. They all sit around taking turns, and watching each other, then they have some more beer, and then they all start over.

So now it's seven beers later, and it's just all of them sitting and watching Sieg. And he goes at it real good, and you can see him getting closer and closer, and then...

"I'm sorry pal," Jou hates to say it, but he kind of feels like he's gotta, "it's okay and all, don't get me wrong, but I was expecting something like them volcanoes ya did at the tournament."

And Sieg looks at him real huffy like, and he mutters something about how maybe next time they ought to bring Kaiba with them then.


	7. Pegasus Gets Married Again

They're sitting at a table down on the Boardwalk, and Seto fiddles with the bun on his burger. "I'm supposed to eat this?" he eyes the underside distastefully, "do you know what it looks like?"

"What, the special sauce?" Jou's mouth is full, "looks like puke, don't it," he says, "here, slide it over my way.

Seto does. "Why was it we had to bring him along?" he demands.

"Him? Oh, he's the flower girl," Pegasus' voice is very bright; then, when Jou glares at him, "flower _boy_, I mean," he amends.

Seto rolls his eyes. "And we're here why?" he asks, looking around as busloads of seniors arrive to play the casinos.

"Because they just legalized gay marriage," Pegasus gives him a very fond smile, "wouldn't want to miss that, now would we?"

Seto gives an impatient sigh. He reaches over for a French Fry and, when he finds that Jou's eaten them all, he gives another one. "I'll allow you that," he says at last, "when's our appointment?"

"Two o'clock," Pegasus smiles at him again, "would you like a sundae before we go over?"

"I would," Jou pipes up.

Seto rolls his eyes again. "It's almost two now," he gets up, "if we're going to do this, we'd better get going."

Pegasus looks at his watch. "Oh my god," he jumps to his feet, "you're _right_, we'd better hurry!"

He's halfway to the end of the Boardwalk before Seto can pay the bill. He's all the way to the end before he can pull Jou away from the last of the food. And he's all the way inside the chapel before his fiancé can finally catch up with him.

Which is probably a good thing, at least for Pegasus. Because Seto would never have agreed to get married in an Elvis-chapel if he'd had a chance to say no before they got there.


	8. Seto Pays for a Victory

She's on her knees with her ass in the air, her face buried in Hello Kitty pillows, and "ooh, Kaiba-san," she squeals; Seto pulls the gag tighter. He straddles her body, readies himself to take her; if he squints just right, she sort of looks like Bakura Ryou. ...A little. ...If he had brown hair and stretch marks.

...And a shrill middle-aged voice, "ooh, Kaiba-san," this time he hits her a good one, and makes a mental note to buy better quality gags. Then he enters swiftly, and she squeals harder than ever. Hard. Which is how he does her, very hard, it's the only way he can manage. And fast, until she's making so much noise no gag could muffle it all.

She's cooing like a kitten when he pulls out and gets off her. She's smiling, and looking up, and she definitely doesn't look like Bakura from this angle. Seto looks away; he pulls on his pants and leaves the room quickly.

He thought he'd hit bottom when he fucked Pegasus to get the Blue Eyes Shining Dragon. At least he got that though, this time there's no guarantees. Yuugi's mother swears she'll get him a victory over her son's Other Self, but every time he asks her how she'll do it, all she says is "a mother has her ways".


	9. Yami's Infomercial

"Hi, I'm Weevil Underwood," the boy gives his biggest grin, while the camera light reflects off his glasses.

"And I'm Yami no Yuugi. You might remember us as former Duel Monsters Champions..."

"Again," Pegasus' voice is very bored, "and can you put some feeling into it this time Yami?" He motions, and the camera starts rolling.

"You might remember us as former Duel Monsters Champions..." Yami stops dead. "I am undefeated King of Games, Pegasus," he says.

"Yeah," Weevil pipes up, "and no one's beat me as Kansai Regional Champion yet either." He smirks as if he's just proved something.

"And no one cares?" Pantomiming an elaborate yawn, "that plus three dollars will get you a cup of coffee at Starbucks, Yami. You're lucky I chose you for this infomercial." Waving his hand languidly, "proceed," he says.

"...Hi, I'm Weevil Underwood," one of them has taken his words to heart; the little Champion is perkier, his shrill voice more expressive than ever.

"And I'm Yami no Yuugi," Yami thinks longingly of Pharaonic courtrooms, of climactic duels and Monsters that are all too real. He finds himself missing Yami no Bakura. "You might remember us as former Duel Monsters Champions," for that matter, he misses Yami no Malik as well, and Dartz, and even Siegfried, whose schemes against Kaiba at least used to provide a little excitement, "we're here today," he says, "to tell you about a remarkable new product," and he goes into his sales pitch.

Weevil stays right by him, his little frame erect, his glasses very shiny; it's his job to sound excited, every time Yami pauses for breath, plus he has to tell people how many payments of $19.95 to send.

Hands folded in front of him, Pegasus watches with a faint smile. Really, you can get anyone to do anything if you want them to, all it takes is a little money and an awful lot of influence. It's fun watching Dark Yuugi work for a change, watching him obey orders; watching what he and Weevil do together in the next film though, the one he'll be keeping for his own enjoyment, that's going to be delicious.


	10. Otogi's boyfriend changes

"See how I've got my hair to curl," Honda says in an excited voice, and Otogi, sprawled on the bed in the corner, gives a long-suffering sigh. Pegasus oohs and aahs though, and "look at my eyeliner," Honda tells him proudly.

It's not written anywhere that a man can't have curly hair; and, as for eye makeup, well, give him five minutes, and Otogi can summon a legion of fangirls, any time, any place, to tell you how manly that is. And why his boyfriend had to take it into his head to become a woman, just so he could make himself look pretty, well that's all the proof you need that Honda Hiroto has lost his mind.

Not that you're going to get Pegasus to tell him that. "Those are so _natural_," his voice is assessing.

And "they look even better without this in the way," Honda reaches for his bra hooks and Otogi almost gags.

"Oh, they _do_," says Pegasus; a slight pause, "and they feel even better."

Otogi leaves the apartment altogether; he's in his convertible, doing 85 miles per hour before he even lets himself think about what's happening. At least Honda's a pretty girl, that part's not so bad he supposes. He's bi anyway, so really it shouldn't bother him. Lately though, his boyfriend's been talking about his _lesbian feelings_. He's been talking about them around Pegasus, and that part could get dangerous. Because Honda's got this fantasy about Shizuka, about the two of them together, and a big bowl of whipped cream. If he and Pegasus decide to make some phone calls and set up a threesome, well Otogi doesn't want to be around to see that.


	11. Too Much Thanksgiving Dinner

Stuffing, and mashed potatoes, and "it's okay," Pegasus tells him, "I like a man with a little meat on his bones." He pokes Seto's middle. "I think there's some cranberries here too," he says; then, squeezing a roll of fat, "oh, and here's the pumpkin pie."

Seto just glares, until Pegasus starts laughing. "I think it's cute," he says, "you're my nice round cuddly butterball."

"I'm not fat," Seto's words are firm; unfortunately, that's more than you can say for his two extra chins, which juggle every time he talks.

"Oh nooooo..."

"A lot of young men put on some weight as they mature..."

"And you're what," Pegasus asks him, "almost eighteen now wasn't it?" He pinches one of Seto's cheeks, murmuring "that's practically senility."

Slapping his hands off, "get away from me," Seto tells him, "go watch cartoons or something and let me get some work done."

And Pegasus goes away finally. He goes away laughing, and he walks with a decided _waddle_, and there's no mistaking who he's pretending to be.

But it's okay, Seto thinks, as he turns massively in his swivel chair and poises two big dimpled hands back over the keyboard; Pegasus is going to be sorry very soon. Every word he said is going to be avenged, because tonight when they go to bed together, Seto is going to _sit on him_.


End file.
